MY
STORY TELLS ITSELF; so suppress it that you want to, lovely world. It
is truth, absolute truth.
And
with or without all of the Shakespearean players on the great stage
of life, there still is an audience out there 'somewhere'. Morianity
is seeking the truths about detailed questions pertaining to just
this. You don't perform a great concert or play, to an imaginary
crowd that is only there in your fantasies. That's just common sense
to anyone's mind unless they are bomb-drunken out to la-la land, or
completely brain damaged to begin with. And I said none of this. It
was all William Shakespeare's great ideas and philosophies. I take
zero credit for any of that, do not attempt to ever give me any,
please.
*******SUICIDE
– OR WAS IT?*******
BY
Grace Mason, in her original words, in the year of our Lord, AD 1977.
Upon
recovering from what appeared to be a suicide attempt, my thoughts
centered around others who did not survive ''apparent
suicide''. There must be numerous cases where the person did not
intentionally plan to take his or her life but never lived to affirm
it.
The
furtherest thing from my mind that night was suicide. Yet I had taken
sixty tranquilizer pills, which would certainly indicate I had tried
to commit suicide. Other circumstantial evidence would further
convince anyone as I had hidden the prescription bottle in a boot in
my closet before passing out. There also would appear to be logical
reasons for the overdose I'd taken. But, I had no idea of suicide
when I downed those tranquilizers. I merely wanted to forget what had
just happened.
I
am convinced now that some of us can reach the limit of what we can
take and then all that is necessary is an additional sudden shock to
catch us off guard and set off the alarm – an alarm that causes one
to react irrationally momentarily. If alone, it certainly can cause
disastrous effects....And that is just what happened to me.
I
believe my happy well-balanced childhood prepared and sustained me in
the difficult years that were to lie ahead.
I
was twenty-six years old when I fell in love and married, fully ready
not only to accept the joys but also the trials, tribulations and
sorrows through the years.
For
the first ten years of married life there were just two of us. People
often remarked that we must be the happiest couple living – and we
were. We were very much in love....But there was one serious problem.
My husband throughout our eighteen years of married life had
difficulty in maintaining employment and the problem was made
manifold in the last eight years of our marriage because of the
additional responsibility of raising our son. Unable to support us
at the end, and finally, after everything we owned had to be sold at
auction no house to live in, or car to drive, food and clothes at a
real premium ….he walked out and we separated. I am happy that my
son, who was eight years old at the time, has grown into a fine young
man, has an excellent job and lives in his own apartment.
I
worked throughout most of my married life in various businesses and
during the past fourteen years have continuously worked as a
secretary. It wasn't easy going backward to live in a one-room
furnished apartment, but I managed to make a comeback for my son and
me after the breakup of my marriage. After a few years of being on my
own I procured a divorce so that I could forget the past and make a
fresh start.
A
year ago a man in the company where I worked asked me to go out to
dinner with him. It wasn't long before we knew we were in love. He
asked me to marry him but there were complications. Before ever going
out with him he had expressed to me his intention of divorcing his
wife. I had every good reason to believe him. I was aware that he
had many unsolvable problems with his wife and there seemed to be no
hope for their reconciliation. They lived apart in different cities
and rarely saw each other. (I
have a very strong contention that people should remain married if at
all possible and I could not bear to be responsible for a divorce.)
'Her
afterthought'
We
had a year of beautiful times together, awaiting his final decree so
we could be married. We talked and planned our future together. The
door was opened for a lovely new way of life.
None
of this was a simple matter. Along with the trauma of his getting a
divorce, it was further complicated by the fact that this man
happened to be ''my boss''. We both had to be very discreet. Neither
of us was going into this foolheartedly and neither of us could
afford to jeopardize our job. Still another complication arose when
he was asked to work in a new office location – which was not
accessible without a car.
I had never had the means to buy a car, but, nonetheless, he asked me
to work for him and said he would make sure transportation would be
provided each day....It was – and he was the one who constantly
provided it. We shared many happy hours both during and after
business. Our future together was becoming more of a reality every
day.
Later
we were to have a number of misunderstandings and there was an
instance where he told me he was going back to his wife. I was
shocked. His divorce was already in process. I decided to go off
somewhere for a week to collect myself and once again reshape my
life. After five days I received a phone call from him asking me to
please give him another chance, that he loved me, and would make it
up to me. I gave him that chance. The divorce was pushed once again.
He began to tell his close friends in business that we were going to
be married. We not only picked up where we left off, we shared a
closer than ever relationship. The bond between us seemed
unbreakable. But it wasn't to be...His wife came on to see him –
and again he told
me he decided to ''try to make a go of it''. Upset as I was, I
steeled myself to go to work with him the next few days. He appeared
completely miserable and said he just couldn't go back to her after
all. He told her they must complete the divorce. He said he could not
wait for me to meet his daughters now. Foolishly, I picked up where
we left off and my love still was undying for him. After many months,
we had received word from both his and her attorneys that they were
ready to take action for finalizing the divorce. That weekend we were
especially happy and we had a delightful lunch at a charming spot in
the country.
The
night before I had prepared a home-cooked dinner for him. He
smilingly remarked what a happy life we would have together if I just
continued cooking like that.
To
this day I shall never know what happened. Suddenly his wife appeared
again the early
part of the following week. He told me he was going to attempt
reconciliation after all and that it was over for us. This was not
the final or second real shock yet. I had survived the breakup the
first two times and now I must overcome it again. Once more,
overwhelmed with chagrin, I visited my cousin for just the weekend
this time. It was such a lovely home, sprawling by the beach
overlooking a bay. Again I collected myself to face the future. My
only request of him was that somehow he continue to provide
transportation to work. I realize now that what I should have said
was – ''please give me a little time to find another means to
commute even if I have to move''. But, at times like this, he was
very uncommunicative. He had not even given a reason, nor would he,
for this very sudden and shocking change. Upon returning from my
trip, I asked my doctor for a prescription for my nerves, and told
him why. On the way home from work I picked up the pills at the
store.
Next
morning I met him outside my apartment building ready for work as
usual. I managed to get through the day. But, that night there were
many buzzes and knocks on my door. I did not respond as I had gone to
bed early. When the knocks and buzzes pounded in my ears, I could not
go to sleep. It left me little alternative but to answer the door. I
did. There stood both man and wife staring at me. The rest is
somewhat vague, but they did come in. I do not recall whether or not
I invited them.
Not
one word did he
utter during their brief visit, but his wife talked continuously. She
reprimanded me for having gone out with him, even though he had not
been home more than three times in the past two years and during
which time their divorce was in process. I was at a loss for words.
It was too much to bear.
Then
came the full impact – the second blow which I was not yet prepared
to handle. As he sat there with nothing at all to say, she pointed
her finger at me and said harshly – ''My husband is never to take
you to work again''.
Sometime
during all this, he had quickly walked out of my apartment. I do not
recall at just what point, or why. Everything became hazy.
I
do not remember her walking out after that last remark or if anything
further was said. I barely recall anything clearly from then on.
Before they had arrived, I had set the alarm clock for morning, was
ready to sip a cup of decaf coffee along with two tranquilizers to
help me fall asleep.
The
moment she left I remember a sudden feeling of helplessness
overcoming me and an intense fear of losing my job. I am 57 years
old. I had always tried to be logical and practical but this time for
the first time I had no control over the situation....The decisions
were being made for me. I went to the sink, took the bottle of pills
up to my mouth, threw back my head until my mouth was full, and with
a glass of water swallowed the pills. Being a very thin little pill
it was easy to do.
Never
before had I done anything impulsively, and to this day it is hard
to believe. I was unaware how many I was taking at that time. In
fact, not one thought was in my head except I just knew I wanted to
forget for a while. Certainly
I was not thinking of taking my life ; that I DO KNOW.
My
mind seemed to be working rapidly. After taking the pills, my thought
was – I must let someone at work know I will not be in the office
the next day. I would have to ask someone to call first thing in the
morning. I didn't want to do the calling myself until I could think
things through, but I was obligated to let my company know. You see,
I was not secretary solely for him but for another executive as well.
But, before going out my door my head already in a whirl, in a flash
I thought I'd better hide the pill bottle just in case something
should really happen to me and that might mean my son would lose my
insurance. Now, had I been rational, I would have realized any such
condition could be diagnosed with or without the pill bottle,
especially if an autopsy were made. But I didn't give the matter much
thought….I certainly didn't think anything would really happen to
me, AND by this time I probably wasn't too coherent.
I
threw the bottle in a boot in the back of a closet. Then, using the
fire exit, went up the back stairs to the apartment manager's wife on
the floor above me.
I
know she would be glad to phone my other boss to let him know I would
not be at work that day. I wasn't sure what the man I'd been going to
marry might now say to those at the office so I prepared to give my
own reasons. But I wasn't ready to handle or discuss it if it became
necessary...SO having someone also call (just to let them know I was
trying to work out a solution to my transportation problem) seemed
sufficient to me.
I
was unaware that the pills were taking effect. I reached the
apartment manager's door and knocked. When his wife came to the door,
I gave her instructions for calling the Office. She later told me I
was uncoordinated at the time. I hadn't mentioned to her that I'd
taken any pills. It didn't even enter my head; it seemed so
unnecessary and unimportant. We had become friends in the last few
months and I had told her earlier about my previous break ups with
him.
After
giving her my Company phone number, I turned, started down the fire
escape steps and completely blanked out. Miraculously, I did not even
hurt myself when I fell. I later found out that I was picked up by a
tenant who called for help. I understand I talked a little before
arriving by ambulance at the local hospital, but I have no
recollection of anything until a few days later. I was unconscious
during that period.
So,
you see, the second real shock, the shock of my job being in jeopardy
after so many years of desperately trying to succeed in making a
comeback from a broken marriage , had triggered the pill incident .
The Company had been a major part of my life off and on for over
twenty years. It was a frightening experience to have it suddenly
taken away from me through no fault of my own, and the other blow
still too fresh in my mind. I was just not prepared to meet it.
Years
ago I had known a man personally who had been through a similar
situation, and, after my experience, it brought the thought to me….
TWO BIG SHOCKS, ONE AFTER THE OTHER, can set off a quick and hasty
reaction.
This
man had just lost his young wife to a terminal disease after a few
years of fighting a losing battle. (Leukemia-Hodgkin)
Then,
less than six months later, his little son died after two operations
to try to save him. Shortly after that he took an overdose of
tranquilizers. He was with a company that manufactured and
distributed these pills to hospitals and drugstores at the time it
happened to him, so they were very handy. Before he passed out he had
called a friend , who immediately took him to a hospital to have his
stomach pumped. Now, that was years ago but I remember him telling me
that he had no intention of suicide. It was only after he took them
that he realized the seriousness of what he had done.
Believe
me, for those of us who survive, I do not believe it could ever occur
again. You now know positively what can happen – and you
know
you could not repeat it.
I
am convinced that there are many other people, like myself, who have
taken an overdose of pills without realizing the consequences and
with no idea of taking their lives.
Unlike
people who plan their suicide, fully intending to end their lives,
the people like myself are are hit TOO FAST, TOO HARD, and TOO SOON
with TOO MANY SHOCKS, and momentarily at least, are completely
unaware
they are taking a lethal dose of pills. There are many cases, of
course, where a person is prone to attempt suicide and may have a
history of psychological problems. There are others, who analytically
plan and succeed in suicide, leaving a note or papers indicating life
has become too burdensome for one reason or another.
Easy
access to tranquilizers or sleeping pills can be dangerous. Yet, for
me, I know that under no circumstances could it ever happen again. It
shocks you into cold reality. Life for me may not be very important
but my religion is..and it forbids any such finality. We are all
educated enough to know an overdose can KILL, but at a time of shock
your mind can become blurred. Knowing the consequences and being
sharply aware that if you lose your head you actually can lose your
life, no doubt will keep those who have tried it from ever repeating
it.
I
am now back working with the same Company but at a more convenient
location, and the Company has been very good to me. I understand
since my return that he became terminally ill shortly after our
separation, left the Company to recuperate, but did pass on a few
months later. As for me I have no intention of ever dating again, and
will try to do my best to live a more spiritual life.
I
have written this article hoping my experience may save others who at
a time of overwhelming but temporary desperation, might otherwise
risk their lives.
…...........
(The
one happy note to the above is – he told his Pastor that I had made
him see the Light and the Pastor told me he died a Christian).
THE
'HE' IS NONE OTHER THAN former boss of my mother at the then Lavino
Shipping Company, now the Inchcape Shipping Services, in Philadelphia
Pennsylvania, with offices all over the world, from Mobile, Alabama,
to jolly old England. His name was Edwin R. Potter, and he was from
Chicago, Illinois. I am not as forgiving as my wonderful 'Christian'
mother. Some might argue he converted so he could avoid me kicking
the crap out of him in eternity, as I am heading straight for mother
fucking HELL. Not a bad argument, even for morons, Chicagoan's, or
Dogtownites of any and all breeds and minnina-kalpa sentences. But so
much more exists in my mom's tale of tears and pathetic woes, from
1976. Oh lord fucking christ almighty, if anyone had eyes to see and
ears to hear. If my mom's fucking relationship had been Gozzwald
cosmically permitted
to work out, by the WOMO-MILI-2-FORCE;
can you even start to fathom the fun and cool games LOST TO THE GODS
FOREVER? Jesus-God Terry Pennock; No Robin Hill, no ever finding out
about lost loves or daughters, no Atco chocking, no lightning and me
meeting up in a human lifetime, no lab technicians of power and
mystery, and I could literally type on for a fucking ass century and
not scratch the surface of it all. ''THEY
HAD NO CHOICE'',
biting neck-shave Count Marcucci Barnabas Lambrigger Levy Athan,
take away my mom being by herself and us deciding to team up since
neither of us ever had life skills to make much money individually,
so by joining forces, we could live in some really nice places, and I
was destined to have the wildest mother fucking ride in hyperspace
imaginable, at least in my humble opinion.
Jupiter,
Florida, welcomes you to Morianity; Courtesy of CBS Channel
12-Television.
THIS
PARTICULAR WRITING TERMINATES NOW:
This world died somewhere quite a long while ago. I know you don't believe this, and you would be wrong. Compassion, human feelings, all gone, replaced AS PREDICTED by cold computers and icy technology, the absolute death of the human heart, forever, s we evolve into the gods only know what. As sorry as I could ever be for me; I am way sorrier for all of you uncaring assholes out here. What has happened in my family and to me, that was predicted by me in a 1980 song from the realms of dreams; called, "Love Is For Carpenters", has all come perfectly and totally 100% into fruition, I believe the song lyric still sitting in the United States Copyright Office from 1981, can be quoted, "We all have a number, none have a name, and all that we do have, is each other to blame".
ReplyDeleteMARK WAYNE MOUNTAINPEN MOHR